10 Narcissistic Traits We Can See In The Tinder Swindler
One of the surprise hits of 2022 has been The Tinder Swindler, an original Netflix documentary released on 2 February. Netflix viewers have racked up over 45 million hours watching the story of a dating fraudster who conned women out of millions of dollars.
Shimon Hayut posed on Tinder as Simon Leviev, son of a diamond mogul. He lavished expensive dates and attention on his victims before coming up with sob stories that convinced them to empty their bank accounts and take out loans for his benefit.
While this is just one story to hit the headlines, UK romance fraud resulted in over £68 million in losses in 2020. Yet much of it goes unreported because people feel ashamed about being manipulated and conned. This comes from feeling unintelligent.
There’s nothing to be ashamed about. People who run romance scams are expert manipulators. They prey on your good qualities.
In the case of the Tinder Swindler, he’s a deeply narcissistic individual. Narcissists are highly skilled in being able to use a person's empathy against them.
Remember, in narcissists, the empathy part of the brain is underdeveloped. They don't feel the way we do, so this gives them the upper hand in manipulation.
Let’s look at 10 of the narcissistic traits the Tinder Swindler used so you know what to watch out for yourself.
1) Love Bombing
The Tinder Swindler showered his victims with compliments and made grand gestures of sending beautiful flowers. He did lots of incredible things to make them feel special in a very short space of time. This is love bombing.
Love bombing works so well thanks to brain chemistry. Whenever we're given a compliment or treated this way by someone we’re interested in, it releases a surge of dopamine in the brain. This is actually more addictive than a Class A drug.
The trouble is, we associate these 'feel good' feelings with that person. So the Tinder Swindler used love bombing to get his victims addicted to him. This made them more likely to do whatever he asked of them because he’d created this chemical bond.
2) Change of Environment
He also took the women out of their normal environment. As an example, he took one woman to the Four Seasons for a date. In the documentary, she admitted she felt out of place because she wasn't used to such an environment.
That might not sound that bad until you realise the manipulative reason for doing this.
When we're put in an unfamiliar environment, we instinctively look for familiarity so we can feel safe. That means in this situation, she looked to him for protection or to learn how to behave. She took her cues from him because he was the only point of comfort in that space. She ultimately depended on the person who meant her harm for safety.
3) Demonstrates Status and Power
Narcissists always think they’re more important than they really are. The Tinder Swindler took this further and made status and power part of his con. He showed off his status and power very early on in each relationship. Think private jets, hired bodyguards, and fancy travel destinations.
When we think of status and power, we think about money, yes, but we often also think about authority. Think of political leaders, lawyers, doctors, or other people we're more inclined to listen to through their authority.
This made the women less likely to question him, and more likely to follow him due to the perceived power he had. Perceived authority and narcissism are a very dangerous combination.
4) Creates a Future Vision
One of the reasons why we invest in a relationship is because we believe it has a future. We create a future vision of that relationship as something to work towards. Often, the loss of this future vision is the hardest part of a breakup.
The Tinder Swindler drew in his victims by creating a future vision that involved them. This included asking women to move in with him, which implied a forward movement within the relationship.
Given the future involved a lot of expensive things, this helped create a sense of excitement and a level of trust for the victims. It told them he was serious about them, making the women feel safe and secure within the relationship. This made them buy into the relationship purely through the vision—which didn’t actually exist.
5) Consistency of Love Bombing and Attention
Love bombing works the way that it does because it’s not just consistent messages, it's also constant. The Tinder Swindler kept up a stream of messages to each victim about how much he loved her or missed her. If she hadn't seen him for a while, he'd show up at her house. This stops the victim from thinking about anything within their reality that doesn't involve the narcissist.
It's also harder for the victim to say no to a request because they're flooded with these continual compliments and love statements.
6) Creating a Common Enemy
Narcissists love drama, especially when they’re at the centre of it. They particularly enjoy creating drama between other people, to make themselves the person everyone turns to.
The Tinder Swindler did this on an epic scale. He talked about how powerful his family was, but also how powerful their enemies were. This helped to reinforce the sense of his power and status.
But within a relationship, an idea of an ‘enemy’ can provoke feelings of wanting to protect our loved ones. Humans naturally want to save anyone who is important to them. That's why it's easy to bond over a dislike of a common enemy. This use of drama creates a sense of tighter connection.
7) Forcing His Victims to Make Quick Decisions
This is prevalent within scams in general, but forcing people to make fast decisions means they don't have time to think rationally about anything. That’s why salespeople often tell you a deal is only available right then and there, so you don’t have time to realise it’s not for you.
The Tinder Swindler created life and death situations so he could set ridiculous deadlines. This created panic and forced his victims to want to solve the problem for him while he was in danger. Everything needed to be done now, now, now.
This tactic prompts the fight/flight/freeze response, which shuts down our ability to think critically. That's why we rarely make good decisions when we're angry or afraid. We can't look at the details when we're working on impulse. The Tinder Swindler made sure his victims could never think about anything when they were calm.
If anyone ever forces you to make a decision, always take some time to yourself to actually think about it. Even ten minutes can be enough.
8) Withholding Affection and Using Anger
This is a classic narcissistic trait to switch from love bombing to withholding affection. The sudden change from love and attention to coldness confuses their victim.
Think about what this does on a neurological level. If you've created an addictive state through love bombing, withholding that affection puts the person into withdrawal. They'll do anything they can to get that love and affection back.
This can prompt people to do things they wouldn't normally do, just to get back to normal. Turning to anger forced his victims to agree to anything to soothe the situation.
9) Telling Stories Invoking Fear and Trauma
The Tinder Swindler was very good at telling wild tales to accompany his short deadlines. Because he'd already told stories about the power and status of his family, and the power of their enemies, these tales didn't sound quite so out of place.
Some of his stories involved injuries to his 'bodyguard', and this was intended to panic his victims. They naturally worried that these injuries could have happened to him, making them more likely to agree to his demands to 'save' him.
Humans all have a degree of that hero complex, who want to help people and feel appreciated for helping. Narcissists tap into that to get what they want.
10) Use of Manipulative Statements
The Tinder Swindler used a lot of statements like, "You’ve got to trust me", "Trust me one more time", or "You know I love you". Narcissists are very good at manipulating people into making decisions they don't want to make through these grandiose statements.
For example, one victim confronted him with what she had discovered about him...and he dismissed it as fake. He appealed to her better nature, asking her to trust him, before blaming his "enemies" for spreading lies. When that didn’t work, he switched to threatening the woman.
Narcissists hate being accountable for anything they did wrong so they will always find someone else to blame.
Avoid Meeting The Next Tinder Swindler
The Tinder Swindler is an extreme example of the kind of narcissist or fraudster you might find on a dating website. But other narcissists and fraudsters are still out there.
It’s important to be able to see the truth in a person to find someone who is genuine. I’ve had personal experience of narcissism so I partnered up with Chase Hughes, a world leader in behavioural profiling, to bring his insights to the world of love and relationships.
With the right techniques under your belt, you can spot who is honest and who wants to manipulate you—saving you a whole world of hurt in the future.
Not sure if you know a narcissist? Book a free 15-minute insights call with me at the link below. We’ll chat about your situation and get to the bottom of things!
