It was 2018 and I was having a drink on a date, explaining what had happened in my career so far and my plans for the future.

I was a very successful accountant who had worked for a variety of international businesses and I was just about starting to develop the plan for my new business. I was so excited, knowing that this was going to be HUGE!

Instead of my date being completely enthralled and excited for me, he scoffed and gave me every reason why that wouldn’t be possible – let’s say there wasn’t a second date.

The next short term fling was so excited about my business, he believed in it – he was excited about hearing each person I had helped and coached – but then would come out with things like “Oh I always wanted to be the stay at home dad” or hints about being a “house husband” – I didn’t want someone who was going to live off me

So I joined the dating pool again – this time I met someone who was inspired by my work and was again passionate about what I do – but then complained that I never had enough time for him due to working on my business.

I felt like a mucked up version of goldilocks and the three bears! All I wanted was to meet someone who:​

• Believed in me

• Supported my work

• Appreciated what I do and what it takes to get there

Seriously are men that insecure about women being successful – or was there something else at play?

We often find that within relationships the issue that presents itself is often not the true issue at the heart of the problem 

So when I started to delve into the issues around women who are successful and men being intimidated by that – I was shocked by what I discovered.

Is it about success, or is it about control?

It might not necessarily be the job or the success that is the issue. By downplaying your success or by putting you down they are using manipulative techniques to gain a feeling of control over you – often as a way of compensating for feeling a lack of control over themselves or their own lives.

If you were not successful, or if they were equally / more successful than you, they would find another way to exert control and put you down.

It’s not you, it’s me- actually, this might be accurate!

Sometimes life deals someone a bad hand, or we just need a little extra time to reach the goals we set – this is normal  However if somebody has no ambition or drive at all, is doing nothing to improve their lot, is not willing to stick their neck out and grow, then this is likely a symptom of a deeper issue: Lack of self-belief.

If someone is coming from this place of having no self-belief or sense of self-worth, then they may dismiss even the possibility of being desirable to someone more successful than themselves. Alternatively, if things do move forward, then this can lead to toxic issues around codependency, leading to a relationship where there is a sense of NEED and clinginess rather than desire.

In any case, it is not your success but rather your suitor’s lack of self-worth which is the root cause of insecurity and intimidation.

Compatibility and compassion

If someone is displaying a lack of interest, care or understanding towards the things that matter to you, this can be an indicator of a much deeper issue than simply having different surface-level interests.

If they are unwilling/unable to try and see things from your point of view and are only interested in pushing their own agenda (even trying to make you change your passions and direction to suit theirs) this is a big indication that they lack compassion and empathy.

Lack of empathy is one of the core traits of narcissists, so if a potential partner is showing this trait consistently, then that is a red flag you need to be aware of.

In healthy relationships there needs to be a level of mutual understanding, of caring about what your partner cares about – even if you don’t share the exact same passions, caring about the fact that this is something important to your partner is a feature of healthy, happy relationships.

Empathy from both partners creates the ability to problem-solve together, ensuring that there are solutions to support both partners and that everyone’s needs are met.

So in my opinion and from my own personal research I do not believe that men have insecurities around women being successful.

Rather, some men (and women) do have insecurities, lack of self-belief, and a lack of empathy, and until they are ready to take control of their own personal development and do what’s necessary to outgrow their previous patterns and problems, they will continue to use people and circumstances in the outside world as scapegoats for their unresolved internal issues.

Believe it or not though, there are eligible partners out there who are ready to see and love you for who you are and have a healthy relationship.

There are people who want to have a supportive and loving relationship, with no talk of who is the most successful, no competition.

Instead there is compassion, love and support in helping each other achieve our personal goals and our relationship goals. 

A relationship where It’s about what the two of you can do together, what can you both build and put into that relationship to make it grow – love, time and communication.

The moment it turns into a competition, you have already lost.