How do you know when you are wasting time with a man?
You battled through the tedious swiping. It went from “hey how are you?” to an actual date. One date turned into two, then three. Now you’re ‘dating’ someone...but you’re not convinced he isn’t wasting your time. Many relationships reach their expiry date after three months. How can you be sure this isn’t one of them?
We’ve talked before about looking for signs that your date is interested, and not just wasting your time. It’s a great primer on body language and verbal cues that give you more information than what he says.
But how do you deal with those situations where you’ve been on a few dates and you’re not sure if you’re wasting your time? Perhaps you’ve been dating for a couple of months and something just isn’t clicking. It’s easy to think you’re being paranoid or insecure. You’ve messaged the girls in your WhatsApp group to get their take and asked around on Facebook.
There are ways to tell if you’re wasting time with a man. Let’s dive into what you should look for, questions you need to ask, and what the solution is.
What’s He Like In Person?
We’ll start off with how he behaves in person. Remember, people tell us a lot through what they do, not what they say. Actions really do speak louder than words. People learn to verbally tell lies as children. But other than actors, no one learns to tell lies with their bodies.
You can look at what he does, as well as his body language. Some men aren’t tactile or physically affectionate, so don’t see that as a bad sign. But does he behave like he’s happy for people to see you together?
When you meet up, does he seem pleased to see you? Do you get his undivided attention? Or does he spend much of his time on his phone? Even if he’s pleased to see you at first, does it feel like he ends the date when it suits him?
These things can tell you if he’s enjoying the ride, or investing in a future with you. Yes, some men can take time to ‘warm up’. He may be shy or reserved. A lack of physical contact might simply mean he’s not used to it. But pay attention to how ‘present’ he is with you. The right partner will be keen to enjoy his time with you, not endure it.
Is He Breadcrumbing or Benching You?
Let’s move into digital communication: WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, or good old-fashioned texts. Before we start, we need to mention that some people just aren’t great at keeping in touch.
But some digital behaviours are bad practice and they’re a good sign you’re wasting your time. So do your messages sit on ‘read’ for a day or two before he replies? Can you see he’s active on social media, but just not replying to you? No one owes you a reply. That said, if the guy you’re dating has time to post memes on Twitter but not respond to a message? It’s not a great sign.
We’ve talked about breadcrumbing before—the practice of keeping you dangling with ‘crumbs’ of attention, but never committing. Check out our guide to breadcrumbing. Psychology Today even added the practice to their list of 35 ways to know your relationship is over.
Another similar practice is that of benching—keeping you on his substitute’s bench in case his favourite person isn’t available. Check out our guide to benching.
The two tactics are similar. You only get half of his attention because he doesn’t want to give you any more. To him, you’re available for an ego boost, or if he wants company. You deserve a partner who will be wholly present and keen to spend time with you.
So ask yourself this. Does he keep future plans vague? Is he noncommittal about making firm plans? When was the last time he suggested something—and stuck to it? Can days go by before you hear from him, even though he’s always watching your Instagram Stories? Is it clear he’s using his phone for other things, just not contacting you?
It’s up to you if you want to ask him what’s going on. But if it feels like he’s not really there, there’s a good chance he’s wasting your time.
Are You Reaching Into His Space?
So you’ve thought about how he is in person and when you’re apart. Something still feels a bit off. Perhaps you’re doing too much of the work.
Let me give you an analogy, if I may. Imagine you’re standing in a field, and your partner is in the neighbouring field. In a healthy relationship, you’d both approach the fence and hang out there. But you’d still have your own space in the rest of your field.
Unbalanced relationships don’t work like that. You can easily feel like you’ve had to climb over the fence and venture farther into his field to reach him. Meanwhile, he never approaches the fence. You’re doing all the work.
There can be two reasons for this. The first is that you’re misreading his signals and you’re trying to force a relationship where there isn’t one. Perhaps he’s told you he doesn’t know what he wants, or he’s happy to “see how things go”. You keep doing all the running. If you audition well enough, or long enough, you’re sure you'll become his partner.
The second is that he’s making you do all the work. Perhaps he’s spotted your insecurities, and he’s playing on them. Some men will make women do the work because it makes them feel powerful. Other men can do this because they enjoy manipulating people. And if they don’t need to put in any effort, they won’t.
So ask yourself, are you constantly climbing over that fence into his space? Do you keep having to go to him? If so, you could be wasting your time on him.
The Solution? Communication
In essence, the answer to the question is communication. Are you afraid to ask where you stand with him or to get a firm response? That’s a sign the fling or relationship doesn’t have a great foundation. I know women fear seeming ‘high maintenance’ or ‘pushy’ by asking if the guy is interested. We can feel like we have to bury our needs so we don’t look insecure or anxious.
But if you feel you’re wasting your time? Then you probably are. If you only walk away from this article with one 'rule of thumb', it's this: if he likes you and he's interested, you'll know.
Sure, a guy might be interested but play his cards close to his chest. Or he might be disorganised and scatty, making it look like he’s all over the place. But if he’s genuinely interested, you won’t be confused about where you stand. He’ll find ways to let you know he’s keen, even if he doesn’t openly say so.
Remember. Communication is one of the 4 Cs that mark a strong, healthy relationship. Without it, no relationship can survive. And if someone is stringing you along while they wait for something else? Remind yourself you deserve better than that.
Are you keen to find the right partner with ease?
Would you like to learn how to navigate those early days in a relationship with grace? And are you ready to step into the relationship you’ve always wanted?
