No one likes to be lied to. It undermines your self-worth and insults your intelligence. In relationships and dating, the stakes around truth and honesty are even higher. 

But how can you tell if a person is telling you the truth?

First, ignore the pop psychology that says he’s lying if he looks in a particular direction. There is no single sign that says someone is lying. Even lie detectors aren’t always effective at spotting deception.

Instead, people will display a series of cues when they aren’t telling the truth. These can be verbal (spoken) and non-verbal (body language). When these cues happen together, it's called a cluster. 

Someone can be nervous and display one of these cues even when they’re telling the truth. So spotting a cluster—or three or more cues—is a more accurate way to answer the question “Is he lying?”

Let’s see what the cues are.

Verbal Cues

People get stressed if they think you might catch them lying. People can talk more loudly or faster than usual when they’re stressed. The mouth also dries out quicker so they might cough more often.

Yet these five specific cues can give you more of an insight into how truthful a person is being.

Psychological Distancing

Look out for words that downplay the seriousness of something. As an example, you suspect the guy you're dating has taken money from your purse. You might ask if he'd seen the money lying around, and he responds that he “borrowed” it.

Changing 'taken' to 'borrowed' makes the crime sound less severe—even if, in his mind, he intended to pay you back. He still didn't ask before he took it. Experts call this tactic psychological distancing, and it's a way to downplay what a person has done.

Look out for depersonalisation. Bill Clinton made this tactic famous with his “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” denial. By using ‘that woman’ instead of her name, he put distance between them to downplay the incident.

Use of Language
 

Pay attention to how the person's language changes. Let's go back to our example of the date who 'borrowed' £20 from your purse. Most people use contractions in everyday speech - will not becomes won't, did not becomes didn't, etc. This is an informal use of language.

If he suddenly says “I did not take it”, pay attention. You asked if he’d seen it on the table and his response that he didn’t take it implies a guilty conscience. You only asked if he’d seen it. Switching from ‘didn’t’ to ‘did not’ is also problematic. People can try to speak more correctly when they want to look more honest.

Resume Statement

Most couples have been through the experience of someone forgetting an important date. Let's say you and your partner planned to celebrate your six months' anniversary. The day arrives, and you realise he’s forgotten.

When you ask him about it, he replies with something like: "How could you think I'd forget? You mean the world to me. Don't you know I love you?"

It doesn't answer the original question, “did you forget the anniversary?”Instead, he gives you a reason he wouldn’t have forgotten, and even tries to make you feel bad for thinking he had. (Watch out for potential manipulation there).

"No, I didn't forget" would have been a more obvious answer if he hadn't forgotten!

Feigning Ignorance

Everybody forgets things sometimes. It's part of being human. Yet sometimes people can feign ignorance or amnesia to avoid taking responsibility.

You may have your suspicions about how friendly your boyfriend is with a woman from his office. Perhaps a mutual friend has tipped you off that they seem too 'hands-on' to be “just good friends”.

Then he comes home late from drinks with his co-workers—drinks that you weren't invited to. You might ask how the night went and ask who ended up going. If you ask if the woman from work was there and he says "Not that I remember"? That's a worry. Unless there were so many people they packed out a pub, he would remember someone he's close to being there.

This is a way for him to downplay what he really knows.

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Giving Too Much Detail

People who don’t want you to catch them out will come up with a story to explain their behaviour. Yet this story will contain more details than anyone really needs, and this gives them away.

Say your date is 30 minutes late to meet you. His excuse is that the bus was late. Someone genuinely held up by public transport would leave it there. You don’t need further information, and they likely texted you when they realised they would be late.

Yet your date arrives with an entire monologue about everything that happened from the instant they left the house. Even if you interrupt to say it’s fine, and to move the conversation along, they’ll return to their story. They spent so long crafting it, they’re determined to get it all out.

Still wondering, "Is he lying?" Try asking questions about his trip to meet you later in the evening. Compare the details with the original story. Inconsistencies can show deception.

Body Language Cues

We have our first set of cues to watch out for. Remember, one of them on their own is not a clear sign of lying. “Not that I remember” could be down to drinking too much!

So you need something to pair with the verbal cues to get a more accurate sense of what's going on. This is where body language comes in because it shows signs of stress—stress felt because we're trying to avoid being caught out.

It's helpful because people learn how to lie verbally at an early age. But few people (except actors) learn how to lie with their body language. This means their body can completely betray them.

What

There are three things to watch the hands for. Check the fingers. Are they extended and open? Or curled back towards the palms? The latter shows they have something to hide.

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What are their hands doing?

Where are their hands? Are they trying to cross their arms and slip them into their armpits? Or are they sitting down and blocking their crotch with their hands? 

Either of these movements shows a desire to protect the body. Whenever the body feels threatened, it wants to protect anything vulnerable, such as arteries. The only reason in this situation that the body would feel threatened is the stress of lying.

The other movement involves the hand covering the mouth. It's like any time you say something you know you shouldn't. Your hand immediately flies to your mouth, as if you can claw back the words.

How are they breathing?

In stressful situations, the body prepares to fight or flee. One way it does this is through getting extra oxygen. That gives the muscles plenty to work with in either situation.

Watch to see if the person breathes faster or has a sudden intake of breath. Even flaring nostrils can show they’re breathing more.

You might not want to stare at a person's chest but glance at their shoulders for a good idea of how they're breathing.

What are their eyes doing?

Check for the blink rate. Humans blink more slowly when they're focused on something or they’re comfortable in their environment. 

Yet we blink faster when we're disinterested, bored, or under stress. So pay attention to how fast they're blinking. This is great to check if you think the guy you're dating is benching you in favour of someone else.

There is a caveat here that you need to think about your environment too. If you're in a dusty room or it's a bright day, a person might blink more to be more comfortable. That’s why we work in clusters!

Is He Lying? How Did You Tell?

As you can see, one of these cues in isolation doesn't tell you very much. There could be other factors that explain the behaviour.

When you put them together and spot three or more, you stand a higher chance of knowing if he's telling the truth.

These skills are also useful when you're dealing with others at work or even inconsistent friends. Even if you're used to relying on your intuition, being able to read people is a great way to support your gut instinct. You can know, rather than feel, if someone is honest.

Would you like to go deeper into these sorts of skills? Check out our 7 Days to See the Truth bootcamp and start your behavioural profiling journey for $35!