We’ve all done it. A relationship we thought was going well suddenly falls over a cliff. The promising guy we’ve been seeing suddenly ghosts us. Or a short term fling becomes a short term flung as we’re cast aside. Then the first thing we do is jump straight back onto Tinder.

I know there’s an old adage about getting over someone by getting under someone else. But it’s not great advice. You think it’s easier to forget the relationship that ended if you’re focused on someone new. Or that the self-esteem boost from flirting can ease the pain from the old relationship. Trouble is, you’re storing up problems for the future.

Look, we know overcoming relationship trauma isn’t as sexy an idea as that cute guy on Bumble. But if you’re serious about finding a genuine love that lasts, it’s essential.

Let’s look at why it's not a good idea to jump straight back onto Tinder following a breakup. We'll also look at why it should ring alarm bells if a guy tells you he's 'newly single' or 'recently single'. Last, we'll check out what unresolved trauma can do to your head—and what to do about it. 

Don’t jump back onto Tinder

Let’s face it, break-ups are traumatic. Even if you have a healthy and mature break-up, and even if you stay friends, they still hurt. Something that was a huge part of your life suddenly isn’t anymore. You need to grieve for the loss of the relationship—even if you’re glad to be rid of the partner. The average relationship only lasts for two years and nine months. That means you need more than a couple of weeks of moping to get over it.

This involves processing what happened, how you feel, and rediscovering a sense of who you are. Your identity undergoes a shift from ‘single you’ to ‘you in a couple’ and back to ‘single you’. You need to give yourself time to navigate those changes.

I will add here that other people don’t always help. We’ve all had that friend who insists we get “back on the horse” when we don’t want to. Or those friends who don’t want to hear about your pain anymore. You know the ones—they insist you must be over the person by now. Yet it’s terrible dating advice.

So whatever happens, avoid the temptation to log back into your dating accounts. Do you feel you can’t be without a partner? That can show you don’t want a relationship as much as you define yourself by being in one. Learning how to be alone can be a vital step towards redefining ‘you’ and figuring out what you actually want. 

Remember, your dating accounts will be there for them when you’re ready. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet your ideal partner offline first!

Beware the ‘Newly Single’ Profiles

If you’re just looking for no-strings-attached fun, you can ignore this next section. But if you’re reading this article, I’m going to guess you’re looking for a serious, committed relationship. And the ‘newly single’ or ‘recently single’ guy is a perfect lesson in why you shouldn’t jump back into dating too soon.

People tell you more about themselves than they realise on a dating profile. A man writing that he’s newly or recently single is telling you he’s fragile. Even if he pretends he isn’t, his ego has taken a knock. He likely isn’t ready for anything serious, despite what he might say. 35% of men admit to casually liking most Tinder profiles. They just want attention and an ego boost, rather than a match.

He’s probably hopped back onto Tinder to boost his ego and find some easy fun. If he is immediately looking for a replacement girlfriend, that tells you something important too. He either doesn’t know who he is without a partner, or he can’t meet his own needs so he wants a new girlfriend to do it for him.

Either way, he isn’t going to be a healthy choice for you. Some people work through their issues over their ex through someone else. Once they feel better, they move on. That’s why the rebound relationship never lasts. Don’t let yourself be someone’s free therapist.

The Problems of Unresolved Trauma

Have you ever seen an animal suddenly escape from a life-threatening situation? The moment they’re out of danger and can stop for a breath, they shake themselves. Why? They’re literally shaking off the trauma. Yep, maybe Taylor Swift had a point after all! Once they’ve done so, they go about their day. They don’t obsess over what happened. Animals learn the lesson and move on.

Humans like to over-complicate things. Yes, humans will react to life-threatening situations in the most marvellous and death-defying ways. We’ve all heard stories about tiny women lifting up cars to free trapped children. Or people who run into burning buildings to rescue others without a second thought.

But we’re often exposed to a lot of trauma that isn’t physical. Being a social species, we pick up a lot of emotional and psychological ‘bruises’. Instead of shaking it off and moving on, we internalise it. We force ourselves to relive it over and over. Our body re-experiences the pain and physical stress of the event. It’s like a cut that won’t heal because you keep fiddling with it.

Let’s apply that to relationships. Your first break-up was likely a traumatic one. No one teaches people how to process these things properly. So you internalise it and move onto the next relationship. When that one ends, it opens the wounds around the first one. You try to move through two lots of trauma at once. And so it continues.

So what can happen if you don’t work on overcoming relationship trauma? You end up carrying around a lot of unnecessary pain. Worse, it’s exponential. Each break-up triggers the pain from each unhealed break-up before it. Depending on how many relationships you’ve had, that can be a lot of pain. The only way to break the cycle is to overcome past trauma.

What Can You Do to Start the Healing Process?

There are different ways to overcome trauma and start healing. Therapy could be an option if you have the time and resources. The problem with therapy is it’s great at uncovering the roots of your issues...but it doesn’t do a lot with them. Coaching is a better option since it focuses on moving you forwards.

Beyond that, you can gain a lot of freedom using techniques like hypnotherapy, which help to reprogram old beliefs in the unconscious. Or you can use NLP to change your mental stories and move on. PTSD has even been successfully treated using clinical EFT (emotional freedom techniques).

There are a lot of options, and it can be quite overwhelming. How do you know where to start, or which ones to try? People respond to different therapies and it’s hard to work through the options alone.

We’ve taken the guesswork out of the process for you by crafting a 4-week container in which to process your trauma. You’ll learn what trauma is so you can identify it when it shows up. Other sessions explore the steps you can follow to overcome trauma and start healing. We combine video training with journal prompts so you can dig into your own story and put theory into practice. Best of all, we include self-hypnotherapy sessions so you can integrate those learnings at a deeper level and move forwards faster. 

You don’t need to flail around trying every therapy that’s available. Click here to sign up for the Overcoming Trauma workshop to follow our proven process and step into your brighter tomorrow.