Manipulation is part of the human condition. That’s not to say it’s right, just that it’s common. Everyone will try to get their own way from time to time. That could be a parent telling their child they won’t get ice cream unless they tell the truth. Or it might be a manager using the threat of redundancy to get more work out of their already over-worked employees.

What you need to consider is the intention behind, and impact of, the manipulation. The parent wants to teach the child the importance of honesty. Their intention is to raise an honest human being. The impact is that the child learns that lying is wrong and doesn’t do it. (Or they learn to get better at it).

But the manager intends to get more productivity out of their exhausted employees. The impact is extra stress and worry, carried both by the threat of redundancy and the exhaustion of burnout.

This is how you measure the actions of your date or partner. On one side, we have the secretive actions of your partner as they’re trying to hide a huge birthday surprise. On the other side, there’s a date who’s trying to manipulate you into doing something you don’t want to do. Is the person trying to influence you to leave you in a better state? Or a worse one?

Manipulative people use different approaches to get what they want. Let’s look at three examples from September’s mini-lockdown to show what these approaches can look like, and what to do about them.

As background, I was chatting to three men on Tinder. New restrictions came in for my part of the country. In short - no socialising with anyone outside of your household or support bubble. That translated to ‘no dates for the time being’. All three of them asked to meet anyway, despite the restrictions.

Let’s see what their approach and reaction says about these forms of manipulation.

The Overly Romantic Approach

Guy 1 invited me to his house one weekend. He wanted “cuddles” and “to make connections”.

Pandemic or not, I’m not going to the house of someone I’ve never met for a first meeting.

I pointed out the new COVID-19 restrictions in place. He brushed aside my comment. To him, we didn’t need to worry about the restrictions if we were “looking for love”.

Tactic: Guilt

He put his desire to meet me above my concern for my health. And he dressed it up in an overly ‘romantic’ gesture. Given the context of two people meeting for the first time, it was creepy. Infectious diseases don’t care if you’re looking for love.

And beneath all the lovey-dovey nonsense lies the real manipulative tactic - the guilt trip.

What he really meant was, “If you were serious about finding love, you’d do what I want and meet up.” Note the use of the word ‘we’ too. He was already trying to paint a picture of us as a couple. Why? To manipulate me into behaving like I owed him something.

The implication to the guilt trip is only someone serious about love would break the restrictions. If I wasn’t willing to break them, then I mustn’t be serious. Most people at this point would feel indignant about that. Then they would do what they were told to prove that they were genuine.

Guilt-trips are all too common in communication. People put the onus on you to fix how they feel. They also rely on you putting yourself out. For example, a friend might ask for a catch-up call. You’ve got work to do at home, so you tell them you’re busy. They say they’re sad because no one ever wants to talk to them. Everyone is always so busy with other things. Why do they even bother?

Feeling guilty, you end up calling them, and they keep you on the phone for three hours. This leaves you having to work super late and get a rubbish night’s sleep.

2. The Aggressive Approach

Guy 2 asked to meet me, this time for a coffee. I said no, citing the restrictions. He responded to say we could still meet for a couple of hours, and he “didn’t mind” breaking the rules.

When I still said no, he took a different tack. He sent a barrage of terse messages, saying there was no lockdown, so what was my problem? Schools are back, businesses are open, and you can still go to the pub. Why wouldn’t I meet him?

He even added angry and confused emojis to his messages. I’m not afraid to say I bailed on that conversation.

Tactic: Shame

This guy tried to shame me into doing what he wanted. By pointing out the contradictions in the guidelines, he hoped to make me change my mind. He wanted me to feel silly for going along with clearly inconsistent restrictions. Once suitably ashamed, I would in theory agree to meet him.

Shame is a powerful emotion. Some people think it’s the same as guilt, but it’s not. Guilt happens when we feel bad we’ve hurt someone else. Whereas shame refers to how we see ourselves.

Guy 1 tried to make me feel guilty that I wouldn’t meet up with him because I was denying HIM a shot at love. But Guy 2 went straight to shame. He focused on how irrational he found my decision. His goal was to make me feel ashamed for following inconsistent government advice.

3. The "I Am Doing This Because I Care" Approach

The “I’m doing this for your own benefit” approach can be more subtle.

Guy 3 expressed concern for my welfare after I commented that I was going stir crazy. Like everyone else, I’m tired of so much time spent cooped up in the house.

His invitation involved “getting away from everything” for a few days. He even admitted it would break the restrictions, but cited it as being good for my mental health, so worth doing.

Tactic: Gaslighting

This is gaslighting, a tactic favoured by narcissists. It asks you to put your faith in someone else because they know what’s best for you. Gaslighting relies on you not trusting yourself. It asks you to ignore how you feel about someone’s behaviour. Instead, you’re expected to accept it because “they care”. Yes, there’s a smidgen of guilt in there too.

Don’t fall for it. You know yourself best. And you know why you have reasons for doing things. In my case, I’m trying to avoid bringing a deadly disease with no cure into a house shared with elderly parents. Ignoring my own moral code and going along with something “for my benefit” would mean trusting a stranger instead of myself.

That’s a game I will not play.

So how do you cope with these forms of manipulation?

Remember your gut instinct. Pay attention to your first reaction. Ignore what they’re saying - how do you feel about it? In these cases, I felt anger that they put their needs above my health. That anger told me they’d crossed a boundary. Maintaining the boundary meant sticking to my guns. You may risk losing their good opinion. But that is no loss if they don’t respect your boundaries.

If it feels safe to do so, let them know you’ve spotted these forms of manipulation. I bailed on Guy 2 when the conversation turned aggressive. No amount of common sense could combat his sense of entitlement. Whereas I told Guy 1 that his approach was a turnoff. His “Me and my big mouth” reply was no substitute for an apology, and it prompted me to unmatch him. I explained my stance to Guy 3, who did at least back down and admit he understood my position.

Not feeling safe to let them know you’re onto them is a huge red flag. Leave the situation as soon as you can.

If you’ve encountered a lot of manipulators in the past, it's difficult to spot manipulation. People pleasers are susceptible - they’ll give in to keep the other person happy. Meanwhile, if you’re not used to trusting yourself, wanting to please others can smother your gut instinct.

Healing this unresolved trauma is a great way to trust yourself again. When you put your own inner voice first, you’ll be able to defy manipulators and stick to your own path in life.

Do you want to heal from the past and find love that lasts? Sign up for our 4-week Overcoming Trauma workshop.

You’ll learn how to release trauma, heal old wounds, and step into a brighter future - the future you deserve.