What It Really Means To Lose Yourself & How You Can Find Yourself Again

Have you ever broken up with a partner and just felt utterly lost? Did it feel like you couldn’t remember what you did for fun before the relationship? Or do you find it difficult to make decisions without consulting someone else first?

This is what it can feel like to lose yourself in a relationship.

You stop being a whole person in a partnership with another whole person. Instead, you become the literal ‘other half’. But what happens when your other half is no longer there?

No one deserves to feel lost, or ‘less than’. But there are things you can do to find yourself again.

In this post, we’ll examine some of the reasons why people lose themselves. We’ll also look at how you can find yourself again if this has happened to you.

How Can You Lose Yourself in a Relationship?

If you lose yourself in a relationship, it means you’ve lost your sense of self. Your identity becomes less important than your relationship.

It’s easy to tell that this has happened when the relationship ends. Your friends feel like strangers and you can’t remember what you did for fun before you met your partner. You feel lost and directionless.

Losing yourself in a relationship can lead to resentment. You’ve put all your energy into the relationship and gotten nothing or little back.

Let’s look at some ‌‌reasons you might lose yourself in a relationship.

Codependency

Codependency can look like a lot of things. But it’s a common reason ‌people lose themselves in relationships. You end up living a life enmeshed with your partner, so you miss out on things that used to be important to you.

This can look like giving up hobbies you used to enjoy. Maybe you don’t spend time with your friends anymore—or when you do, your partner is always there.

Perhaps you’ve given up on an ambition or dream because your partner wants something else. If the two dreams aren’t compatible, one of them will always have to give way to the other. That’s why we stress how important it is to find a compatible partner in the Love With Intelligence Academy.

You might have told yourself these things don’t matter or aren’t important. You need to put the relationship first, so everything else falls by the wayside.

This is not a compromise. You’re cutting off things that are important to you. What’s more important: keeping your partner happy, or keeping yourself happy?

Lack of Self Esteem

You can lose yourself in a relationship if you’re not comfortable with yourself. If you rely on external validation, you’re more likely to change yourself to continue getting it.

You give up parts of your life for the relationship for two reasons. First, you don’t realise they’re important to you. Or second, your concern for keeping the relationship is greater than your concern for yourself.

Someone with lower self-esteem will be more willing to give things up to keep their partner happy. Keeping their partner is more important than staying true to themselves. If you’re confident and have high self-worth? You’ll never give up something important for someone else.

Those with low self-esteem are also more willing to lower their standards. They’re not confident that they can find compatible partners. So they settle for whichever person will take them. This is no way to build a relationship!

Jealousy

Sometimes people lose themselves in a relationship through jealousy. They worry about what their partners do when they're apart. Who are they spending time with? What are they getting up to?

To ‌ease their anxiety, they end up doing everything with their partner to monitor them.

Trouble is, they have to give up a lot of things to make time to do this. Without those things that are important to their identity, they lose themselves.

Toxic Relationships

You might end up losing yourself in a relationship if you have a toxic partner. Your partner may not trust you, so they keep tabs on you at all times.

Narcissists excel at isolating their victims from any sources of support. This stops the victim from reaching out for help and it keeps them under the narcissist’s control.

This is not the victim’s fault. If you’re in this position, it’s extra important that you heal from the relationship before you date again. You need to build yourself back up differently because the damage can be greater.

How Can You Find Yourself Again?

You might read this and feeling one of two things. Maybe you resonate with this and you know you’ve lost yourself in relationships before. Or perhaps you wonder how anyone could ever lose themselves like this.

If you’re the second type of person, well done! You no doubt have higher self-esteem and a good sense of self. But the following information might still be useful for any friends you know in this position.

If you’re in the former camp, then keep reading. We’ll go through some methods of rediscovering your identity after a breakup.

Remind Yourself You’re a Whole Person

Think back over the relationship. Look for the things you did during that time that didn’t involve your ex. Maybe this was time spent with friends or doing hobbies. Even if you abandoned ‌these for your ex-partner, you probably still went to work.

Remind yourself about these things. Look at your photos on Instagram. Journal about the adventures you had without your ex. This is an important step to remind yourself that you had a life away from your partner.

Let Yourself Process the Emotions
We can often try to distract ourselves from how we feel by keeping busy. This just pushes the emotions into a box and makes the healing process take longer.

Let yourself feel your feelings!

Research shows that emotions actually only last for 90 seconds. You'll feel better sooner than you think you will. It’ll also start the healing process and get you back to yourself faster.

Stop Blaming Yourself
It’s easy to assume the break-up happened because you did something wrong. When you lose yourself in a relationship, you can also end up feeling 100% responsible for keeping it going.

That’s so unreasonable! It’s not your sole responsibility to keep a relationship together. If your partner didn’t step up, then recognise that.

You may still want to accept responsibility for your part in the breakup, but also assign responsibility to your partner. This will help you ‌see your different actions as different people. It makes it easier to see yourself as a separate person.

Practice Self-Care
Self-care can sometimes get a bad rap, mostly because people think it just involves bubble baths and face masks. It can look like that for some people. For others, it might look like yoga or going for walks.

It could also mean getting enough sleep and eating properly. Or maybe you need to journal, make art, or treat yourself to your favourite food.

Do whatever it is you need to do to feel better. Getting to a point where you’re okay makes the rest of the healing process easier.

Rediscover Yourself
When you lose yourself in a relationship, it's hard to remember what it is you enjoy doing. You lose sight of what makes you ‘you’.

So get your journal and answer these questions!

What did you enjoy doing when you were younger?
What were your favourite things to do before you met your partner?
When was the last time you did these things?
Why don’t you do these things now?
What have you always wanted to do but never tried?

Go through what you’ve written. Make a list of the things you used to enjoy doing, or things you’d like to do. If you can’t remember what you used to do, ask a parent or sibling, or an old friend, how they remember you as a child. You’ll be amazed at what used to bring you joy!

Take Action
Don’t just think about these things you’ve identified through journaling. Now you need to do them!

Check Meetup.com for groups that appeal to you or look for local classes in your area. Once you’ve found them, schedule these activities in! If you don't put them in your calendar, you probably won't do them. Putting them on your calendar gives you something to look forward to.

Remember, it’s also okay to do these things by yourself. Going to classes or groups alone might sound scary, but it’s also a great way to rebuild your confidence.

If you've lost sight of who you are, then spending time with yourself is a good way to get to know yourself again. Try going for lunch in a cafe you fancy. The cinema is another good option for solo outings since everyone's attention is on the film, anyway.

Reconnect with Friends and Family
Spending time with people who knew you before your relationship can be really helpful. They're a connection to your identity before your partner. Enjoying time spent with them also helps to affirm that you can and will enjoy time spent without your ex.

Set up Zoom calls if it’s easier. Or ask friends to join you for dinner. They’ll be thrilled to have their friend back!

You Can Find Yourself if you Lose Yourself in a Relationship

Losing yourself in a relationship is sadly all too common. It happens when our desire to hold onto the relationship is greater than our loyalty to ourselves.

Building up your self-esteem and prioritising what brings you joy can help you hold on to who you are. You can be yourself and still have a loving, committed relationship.

And that’s where our personalised love report comes in!

We personalise it to you and your dating situation. It’ll help you uncover your love goals, your biggest dating obstacles, and the next step you need to take to find love.

Answering the questions is the best three minutes you’ll spend on moving towards your love-filled future.