Here at Love With Intelligence, we're on a mission. We want to get you up to speed on the dirty tactics narcissists use to make your life a misery. We've described love bombing, the 'too good to be true' early days of a relationship. They con you into thinking this is your forever love. Right before it turns into a living hell.

We've also touched on gaslighting. This is an insidious type of manipulation designed to make you question your grip on reality.

There's another tactic we've not discussed fully yet, and that's hoovering. This is something narcissists do after you've tried to walk away. It gets its name from the way they 'suck' you back in. Once they do, the whole awful cycle of abuse begins again.

On average, women will leave and return to an abusive relationship seven times before she'll finally leave. So we wanted to talk about hoovering and get you up to speed on what it is and what it can look like.

Here's the problem.

An ex-partner might attempt a genuine reconciliation. They may have taken some time out and grown up. On reflection, they realise they've lost the best relationship they'd ever had. How do you know when a narcissist is 'hoovering', or an ex is genuine in wanting you back?

Let's look at what you need to look for.

A General Rule of Thumb

Say you've had a message from your ex. They've said they miss you. 

One way you can figure out if it's genuine is to look at the whole relationship. Were there toxic signs while you were together? I don't just mean arguing or having disagreements. Did they regularly display narcissistic tendencies when you were a couple?

If not, then it could be genuine. They really could miss you. Still, keep your guard up while you figure out what's going on. It might be good old-fashioned immaturity. Or your ex might have just broken up with someone else and is on the rebound.

If there were signs of toxicity while you were together? Then this could be hoovering. They're trying to take up space in your head so you'll let them back into your life.

So what else should you look out for?

References to Your Relationship

Have you received a flurry of nostalgic messages? Are they referring to the movies you watched together or holidays you went on? Have you had the "I was dreaming about you" message? Unless you were still close after the breakup, these are all strange things to bring up with an ex-partner.

Now, we're not talking about those situations where you've stayed friends with an ex. Sometimes, you might reminisce about the good times. We're talking about relationships that went wrong, where you put distance between you.

Likewise, your ex might announce a crisis in their life. Maybe they've had a scary medical diagnosis and they need support. Or perhaps they've lost their job, or they're worried about their business. They've turned to you "because they could always count on you". They try to use your empathy and your shared history to reel you back in.

Whether they're genuine or not, that's incredibly manipulative.

Declarations of Love

Your ex may announce you they love you. Don't fall for it, especially if they didn't say it much when you were together.

Consider your ex's "baseline". We use these in behavioural profiling to read people. Once you know what is 'normal' for a person, you can spot when something changes. It's those changes that tell you what you need to know.

Was your ex an emotionally expressive person? Were declarations of love or other romantic gestures 'normal' behaviour for them? If so, great! If not, proceed with caution. They might be 'performing' romance to hook you back in.

That's why you should also be wary if they suddenly shower you with gifts. If it wasn't their normal behaviour when you were together, then why would they do it now?

Apologies and Changes of Heart

Are they bombarding you with apologetic messages? Or are they trying to convince you they've changed? Narcissists are incapable of seeing themselves as being in the wrong, so beware. It's possible that they're 'performing' an apology.

If you're not sure, try to change the subject. A genuine ex will go with your new flow, just glad you're still talking. A narcissist will get upset because you're not playing along.

You should also be careful if they seem to have had a change of heart about something. For example, they might have been adamant they didn't want children and you do. If they suddenly change their mind, it's possible they're just telling you what you want to hear. 

Let's go back to their baseline. Do they have a history of following through on their promises? Were they otherwise reliable? If not, be very wary.

Greetings You Didn't Expect

Do they wish you a happy birthday or send other holiday-related greetings? This can look like an attempt to show you still matter to them, and they still wish you well. But it's also a really narcissistic move because it directs your attention back onto them. Instead of enjoying your birthday, you're now thinking about your ex. 

Be concerned if they congratulate you on any news. Especially if you're no longer friends with them on social media. They might want it to look like they're taking an interest, but it's also a bit stalker-ish. Stalking is a real and frightening experience. In 2017-18, there were 10,214 recorded offences of stalking in the UK. 

Working Through Your Friends

Narcissists will often work through other people. It's common practice in hoovering for the ex to play the victim card. They'll tell your friends and family how much they love and miss you.

This makes you look like the bad guy for ignoring them and their emotional needs. If they're working through a third party, it's because you cut them off because of their behaviour. So ask yourself...do you really want them back in your life?

Threats of Self-Harm

It isn't just narcissists that roll this one out. It's a melodramatic tactic favoured by emotionally immature people. They might threaten to kill themselves unless you stay with them.

Think about it. Would you be happy in a relationship where your partner only stayed so you wouldn't hurt yourself? Exactly. It makes no sense, but it doesn't stop people from threatening it.

Whether they're a narcissist or not, this is extremely manipulative. You don't want to be responsible for them doing something stupid. So you might decide not to leave.

You can never be responsible for another person's actions. It's always their decision. So don't go along with it because you'll never be free. If you're concerned, call your local emergency services.

Acting Like it's Business As Usual

The scariest hoovering tactic is when narcissists continue as though nothing has happened. It doesn't matter how often you tell them it's over, they still show up at your house. Or they might try to give you a lift home from work. And they find out where you'll be so they can show up and 'be by your side' the whole time.

This isn't romantic. It's creepy and downright wrong. It's gaslighting, designed to make you rethink your decision. But it also undermines your authority with those around you. If you've told work colleagues you ended a relationship and your ex reappears? It can make you look like you weren't forceful enough.

So What Can You Do About Hoovering?

First, cut off contact. Completely. Block them and unfollow them. Tell your friends and family what is happening. You might feel you're over-reacting, but you have a right to privacy. So tell your friends and family you don't want them discussing you with your ex. 

Second, learn to disarm narcissists. Sometimes, if you try to cut off contact, the narcissist sees this as a challenge. It turns it into a dangerous game that they become determined to win. But you can learn how to turn them away so they lose interest and walk out of your life. I did this when a Tinder match sent roses to my home after he found my address, using just my first name as a starting point. I learned these skills from Chase Hughes, a world leader in behavioural profiling. As a result, I successfully disarmed my would-be stalker.

My stalker lost interest and went on his merry way. When I saw how successful these techniques were, I knew I had to put them in the hands of other women. You too can learn these techniques. Safely disarm pushy Tinder matches, narcissists, ex-partners, and anyone else who won't leave you alone. I'm not joking when I say they can be life-saving skills.

Click here to sign up for our Identify and Disarm Narcissists program and learn these skills too. Consider it a gift to your future self!