Many people identify as empaths. They're big-hearted, sensitive, and eager to help everyone. They'll cry with their best friend when a beloved pet dies. And they'll go out of their way to help a lost tourist get to where they're going. 

They're also the favourite prey of narcissists.

You might have seen articles talking about this toxic combination. Psychology Today even referred to the narcissist as the empath’s "shadow self". So why is it such a bad dynamic?

The empath is in tune with emotions—both theirs and those of others. They absorb others' feelings, so they like to help those around them.

This is a lovely quality, but also a dangerous one around a narcissist.

Empaths are compassionate and understanding. So they forgive more than they should. Narcissists need someone to worship them, and empaths provide that. The empath’s desire to help soon turns into codependency.

Let's dig into why the empath/narcissist relationship is so toxic, and what empaths can do to keep narcissists at bay.

Empaths Set Poor Boundaries

Empaths are often bad at setting boundaries. They're so keen to help everyone that they can't easily say "no". 

Now, this isn't their fault. Scientists discovered mirror neurons in the brain. These fire whenever we see others experience or feel something. When we're young, these help us imitate those around us so we can become part of the social group.

They decrease in number as we get older because we don't need them as much once we're socialised adults. Empaths keep theirs active so they continue to feel what they witness in others.

When someone asks for help, they overstep their own boundaries to say “yes”. Even if they’re too tired or it’s inconvenient. Because they never say “no”, people keep asking.

Narcissists exploit this by continually pushing the empath to say “yes”. By not refusing, the empath teaches the narcissist they will always put the narcissist first.

What Should An Empath Do? 

Learn to set better boundaries. Yes, it's hard, and those mirror neurons will be tricky to navigate.

But it's not just important—it's essential. Both when dealing with narcissists, and for your own peace of mind.

Narcissists love to take advantage of your giving nature. Trouble is, narcissists have no upper limit to how much they'll take. They'll keep taking as long as you keep giving. 

Putting boundaries in place makes you less attractive to narcissists because you're less emotionally available.

Remember, the only person who will ever have an issue with your boundaries is someone who wants to cross them. A person with your interests at heart will understand your "no".

Empaths love to 'fix' people.

Empaths don't like to see anyone hurting. It's partly self-interest. They feel what those around them feel, so they want them to feel good! 

But it's also down to those pesky mirror neurons. They'll sense something is wrong with a narcissist (though not the truth). Because they want to fix everyone, they take the narcissist on as a challenge.

The narcissist lets them because they love the attention. They’ll string out the process, so there’s always something else for the empath to fix. Trouble is, narcissists can’t be fixed. The empath always fights a losing battle.

What Should An Empath Do?

Stop trying to fix everyone! Yes, it's admirable that you want to help. But someone else's pain is their problem, not yours. You can support them in dealing with it, but you can't take it from them. Empaths have a tendency to take responsibility for everyone else, and this is such a draining way to live.

Save your energy for helping people who will appreciate your support and use it to work on their own problems. Be their cheerleader by all means. Just don't try to win the game for them. 

Consider scheduling a day to yourself where you won’t devote time to others. Focus on yourself and your own needs. Once you meet them yourself, you’ll see how far the narcissist falls short. Take your life back from the narcissist.

Narcissists love to project.

A common weapon in the narcissist arsenal is the phrase, "it's not me, it's you!"

This is projection. In psychological terms, this means denying we have certain traits. Instead of accepting them, we project them onto others. It’s safer to dislike these traits in another person than to admit we have them.

It can also happen as a form of emotional transference. We're angry at a person, though we're unaware of it. Instead, we think they're angry with us.

So when a narcissist tells an empath that the empath is at fault? The empath is gutted. Instead of looking outward, they turn inward. What can they change? How can they do things differently? What flaw can they fix in themselves to keep the narcissist happy?

Meanwhile, the narcissist is free to decide which drama to start next.

What Should An Empath Do?

Developing a strong Self is essential. Your sense of self can sometimes be porous. That comes from taking on everyone else’s emotions. With a strong sense of Self, you won’t value the narcissist’s opinion of you more than your opinion of yourself.

Try reframing the discussion now you know about projection. Can you find evidence in their behaviour that they've accused you of doing? Once you view it from this perspective, you can see you're not the one at fault.

Pay attention to the red flags. You already sense something isn't right with the narcissist. Your gut instinct is already saying, "there's a problem here!" But rather than backing off, you take that as a cue to dive in.

Listen to yourself.

The Empath/Narcissist Relationship Can Never Work

The hallmark of a healthy relationship is the willingness of both parties to meet the needs of the other. Each partner wants to do the best by the other.

The empath/narcissist relationship is doomed to failure because neither party can meet the needs of the other. No matter how much the empath gives, it's never enough. Meanwhile, the narcissist gives nothing in return.

The best way to protect yourself as an empath is to learn to spot narcissistic behaviour upfront. That way, you won't take their comments to heart because you can see them for what they truly are. By avoiding them, you won’t waste your love on someone who will abuse your good nature.

Sign up for our Identify and Disarm Narcissists program. You'll learn advanced techniques for spotting narcissists before they fly under your radar. You can send them on your way and protect your love and energy for the people who truly deserve it.