COVID-19 has changed a lot of things about how we live our lives. It's had a tremendous impact on dating, driving many singletons online. It's still difficult, if not impossible, to meet strangers at social events. 

Some daters are still choosing video calls for the first few dates. Others are opting for socially distanced dates, like having coffee in the park. Either option is fine if it's the right thing for you.

Yet this throws up a whole new problem. There are plenty of articles about spotting red flags for narcissism on dates. But if you're not meeting in person, how can you spot a narcissist during an online conversation?

We've gathered a collection of red flags. They're not all for narcissists, but they also work for manipulators, emotionally unavailable people...basically, people you don't want to date!

Keep them in mind when you're chatting on Tinder. But they also work for online conversations on social media, or even with new contacts on platforms like LinkedIn.

Remember, not all narcissists work in the same way. Some of these red flags might even seem contradictory for that reason.

For example, some narcissists seem like excellent listeners, while others will only talk about themselves. One red flag on its own does not make the person a narcissist. Though it should make you question their motives! It’s time to put on your objectivity hat if any of these red flags trigger you. Examine why they triggered you.

So what red flags should you watch out for?

1. Only Talking About Themselves.

Is the person making no effort to get to know you? Are they showing no interest in finding out anything about you? Then be careful. 

It is possible that they're just a useless communicator. Some people get nervous and only talk about themselves to boost their self-esteem. But even these people will still ask you questions. Anyone who acts like you're a mute audience, rather than a participant in the conversation, should be a red flag.

2. Never Talking About Themselves.

Not talking about themselves at all is also a red flag. Do they seem spellbound by you? Have they avoided talking about themselves so they can ask questions about you? Have you told them all about your past dating life within a few messages? 

It can seem flattering, but that level of attention is concerning. They could be searching for your vulnerabilities. 

They'll use what they learn about you when they start love bombing you. Then they'll throw things back at you later.

3. Getting Competitive.

Be wary about one-upmanship. You know the type - your favourite place is one city, but they've been somewhere better. Your favourite hobby is going to galleries, but they only go to pop-up invite-only shows by obscure artists. And so on.

This shows they're determined to keep reminding you they're better than you. They also can’t stand anyone to outdo them on anything, so they’ll continually seek to out-do you.

4. Rudeness About Others.

Do they bitch about others, or keep putting them down? Narcissists assume they're superior to everyone else and will criticise anyone who doesn't meet their standards. 

Even if they’re not a narcissist, ask yourself if this is a regular conversation you want to have. And one day they’ll bitch about you too.

5. Telling You You're Amazing Way Too Soon.

It's always nice to get compliments, but be wary if you get messages about how amazing you are too soon. That's especially true if they haven't met you yet. 

Being told they're convinced you're meant to be together, or they've never met anyone like you before, marks the early stages of love bombing. It’s still not a sign of healthy emotional intelligence even if they’re just overly keen.

6. Making Confessions and Confiding in You Way Too Early.

Humans like to feel needed. We like to feel like we can help people. So if someone confides in us, we feel special, like we're trustworthy. This new person has singled us out as someone worthy of keeping confidences.

Run. Seriously. At best, they're showing an appalling grasp of boundaries and they aren't taking the time to check you're trustworthy before confiding in you. At worst, this is self-disclosure. It's designed to make you disclose things about yourself that they can use against you later.

A narcissist will use whatever you confided in the early days against you later on. Don't give them that ammunition.

7. Plotholes/Contradictions in Their Stories.

Plotholes or contradictions can show that they're exaggerating, rather than outright lying (though deception is not beneath a narcissist). Yet either way, they're not telling you the truth. Pay attention to the stories they tell to see how consistent they are. Someone with a poor memory will leave things out, rather than make things up.

Also watch out for bragging with no evidence to back it up. That might look like them talking about fabulous trips abroad, but no photos to show you.

8. "It Was Just a Joke" Comments.

We've all met someone who makes snide comments or drops casual insults into a conversation. Yet when they're called out about it, they insist it was just a joke. True, someone could literally just have a weird sense of humour, but if that's the case, they'll probably try to explain the joke to you. If they insist it's your problem you didn't find it funny? Be very, very wary. 

There's a trend on online dating sites for men to insist you "must be able to take banter" or "can't take yourself too seriously". It doesn't take long for "silly jokes" or negative comments to turn into emotional abuse. Only you can decide where the line is between banter and insults.

9. Wanting to Get You Into Bed Too Quickly.

It's common to speak to guys on dating websites who just want casual hook-ups. In all fairness, many of them are open about this on their profiles. If that's not your thing, just avoid them.

But if someone keeps trying to get you into bed, or keeps turning the conversation back to sex, be careful. Sexual attraction makes it easier to ignore red flags. They could also be 'testing' you to see what you'll tolerate. If you feel uncomfortable with the conversation, say so. Someone genuine will back off. A narcissist or manipulator will try to make you feel like there's something wrong with you.

10. Insisting All of Their Exes Are 'Crazy'.

I regularly see 'No crazy ppl please' or 'Must not be a psycho' as requirements on a person's dating profile. What we can do with this information is work backwards to figure out what it tells us about them.

So, what must have happened in this person's life for them to specify that on a dating profile? Either they've met a series of incompatible people, or they're incapable of admitting their own flaws in a relationship. If they insist it was their exes who were crazy...just remember they're the common denominator!

What to Do When You Spot a Red Flag

If any of the conversations feel familiar, be wary. Sometimes we can meet a person who seems like we've known them our entire lives. They're an amazing match for us and they just get where we're coming from.

But they can also feel familiar because we've encountered them before. If you know you've had narcissistic parents, siblings, friends, or partners before? Be doubly careful. That familiarity can be a great red flag to avoid repeating an experience.

Any of these red flags can be enough of an indicator that this person is not right for you. If someone shows three or more, then leave the conversation. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you'll be able to fix them by loving them enough or providing help.

It’s hard to spot narcissists and manipulators at first glance. Unless you know what to look for. 

If you’re not sure how to spot a narcissist, sign up for our Identifying and Disarming Narcissists program. Not only will you learn how to spot them, you’ll also learn how to turn them away so they don’t cause any harm.

This is a useful toolkit to have whether you’re dating, in a toxic work environment, or not sure about people in your social circle. Narcissists will cause havoc no matter where you encounter them. You deserve to have the tools to spot them and then slip under their radar—before they get under yours.

Click here to take our test and see if you’ve dated a narcissist.