10 Steps to Heal a Broken Heart and Enjoy Love Again

There’s a good reason so many songs have been written about the pain of heartbreak. Breakups can lead to you feeling like you’re not good enough. They can make it hard for you to trust again, especially if you didn’t see the breakup coming.

You’ve got to get used to being alone again and say goodbye to those future plans you had.

Sometimes, it can be so painful that we can’t let ourselves dream about how it could be. We could be able to release the past and enjoy a new relationship. We could release blame, shame and guilt. We could let ourselves be loved.

I know it’s hard to believe that, especially if you’ve gone through a painful breakup. You really need to have compassion towards yourself for going through this amount of change!

And no, time is not a healer. It doesn't matter if the breakup happened two days or ten years ago. What matters is what you are feeling. Pain can still linger if you don’t deal with it. 

So if you feel you're not fully over a person or relationship, then go through these 10 steps to heal a broken heart. I promise, you can enjoy love again

1. Only Take Responsibility & Accountability For Your Actions

Your first step is to stop taking responsibility for the other person. This is so common, and one partner can often take accountability for everything, including their partner's feelings and happiness.

It leads to thoughts like "Maybe they would still love me if I did X, Y or Z". Or “Perhaps they would come back if I lost ten pounds.”

Nope. This is actually a codependent relationship. You're two individuals that started a relationship together, so you're only accountable for your own actions, and they're accountable for theirs. 

Remember that the relationship is a collaboration, so it shouldn't be your sole responsibility to keep the relationship going. 

Write out all the things you think you're responsible for in a relationship. Go through them one by one and ask yourself if that’s really on you, or if it's for your partner to deal with.

2. Examine How You See Yourself 

Are you saying you're worthless, or not good enough? What are you saying to yourself about the breakup? It's likely that your pain over the breakup is coming from these stories, not the actual breakup.

One of the most common stories I hear is "I'm not enough", or "It's not enough". And it’s also often the case that these feelings of 'not enoughness' also show up in other parts of your life.

Remember, we've been taught to see ourselves as not enough. Advertising is built on this. You'll only be complete if you have the right car. You’ll only be accepted with the right clothes. You need to have what everyone else has to fit in.

We also get this from our parents. We might have gotten a B in Maths at school. Our parents say "Well done! What can you do next time to get an A?" Our subconscious takes this on as "A ‘B’ is not enough". This becomes part of your story and it starts to play out in every area

.

Look at the stories you’re telling yourself and see what is actually true. Is it actually true that you weren't enough for that person? Or is it that you did the best you could in that situation, but your partner just wasn’t ready for a mature relationship?

Once you start to recognise the truth, you can tell yourself a new story—one based on what’s actually happening. Changing the story based on the truth is where healing begins. This is why time is not a healer—only understanding yourself more can heal you.

3. Move from Victim to Empowered to Enlightened

People exist at one of three levels: victim, empowered, or enlightened.

The victim is at the bottom. They’re in a place where all they can see is the bad things that keep happening to them. “Why does this always happen to me?” is a common saying.

Empowered people see those bad things but they also work hard to reframe them into something more positive. They’re looking to make a positive change in their life. 

Enlightened people accept themselves as the people they're meant to be. Their lives have a sense of flow because they're operating from who they are on a fundamental level.

How do you see yourself? Are you a victim, empowered, or enlightened? Try looking at your past as if you were looking at whatever happened to a friend. This gives you the opportunity to see who you were as another person, and you can be more compassionate to that Past You.

Understand how much you've grown. Accept how far you've come since the breakup. Look at what you've gone through and you're still standing. This helps you to realise your own power and moves you from Victim to Empowered. 

You can reach Enlightenment by realising who you are and living it. As soon as you take ownership of who you are, you can now begin to grow. It’s like the great Dolly Parton says: “Figure out who you are. Then do it on purpose.”
 

4. Look at the Reasons Why It Could Never Work Out

I often direct people to use our compatibility matrix in our Meet the One guide to figure out what’s important to them in a partner. That’s because Compatibility is part of our 4C’s to a Successful Relationship formula. But in the aftermath of a breakup, it’s not always helpful to focus on the compatible parts. That makes you pine for the lost relationship.

Instead, make a list of all the things that would make a relationship the worst ever relationship for you. What qualities would the worst partner for you actually have? Would they be rude? Arrogant? Mean? Miserly?

Now go through your past relationships and see which of these awful qualities your past partner has. You'll probably be surprised to see quite how many your past partners had!

This makes it much easier for you to see why these relationships could never have worked out...and why you wouldn't have wanted them to!

5. See Them With Compassion 

The way a person behaves and treats you tells you a lot about that person, rather than yourself. 

So let’s take a critical and temperamental boss as an example. Imagine a person who nitpicks, continually belittles staff, and holds impossible standards. 

This tells you nothing about their staff. 

But it tells you everything about the type of criticism, nitpicking, and negative behaviour that this person endured as a child. After all, that’s what made them the way they are now. 

So imagine that person as a child. See what they went through to create the adult you know. You can have a lot more compassion for them as a result.

So if your ex couldn’t show love, wasn’t proud to show off your relationship, and always demanded more than they were willing to give? Take a guess at the kind of childhood they had. It wouldn’t have been a fun one.

Being able to see your ex with compassion for the child they were (rather than the bad behaviour they might have now) makes it easier to let them go. You’ll realise their behaviour towards you is about them, not you.

6. Move From Depression Into Self Belief

Breakups often cause people to fall into depressive states of low energy. Even just the thought of putting on the kettle might feel too hard.

The problem with depression in this context is that it often comes down to a problem with self-belief. Do you believe you can get over the breakup? That you can have a fantastic relationship in the future? That you’re able to be loved?

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, this self-belief is really important. Without it, you can easily slip into that depressive funk where everything is too much effort. It can take a lot longer to start the healing process like this.

You don’t need to bounce back and be ready to date within days. But you do need to believe it’s possible for you next time. This will help you to avoid depression and move on.

7. Give Yourself Permission to Move Forward

Many people feel the need to punish themselves with guilt, shame, or frustration after a breakup. This stops them from being able to move forward.

You don’t need to punish yourself! You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re a human being who went into that relationship wanting to love. That’s an amazing thing about you.

But you do need to give yourself permission to move forward. If you don’t, you’ll really struggle to move into the loving relationship you deserve in future.

Remember it doesn’t mean anything about you if a relationship falls apart. It doesn’t mean you’re not lovable. It just means the pair of you weren’t compatible for whatever reason. So there’s every possibility that you and the next person will be ideal for each other.

8. Wishing Your Past Partners Well

So you’ve learned to have compassion for your past partner. Now you need to wish them well and let them go.

What do you need in order to wish them well and let them go? If you need an apology, go back to the compassion step. Apologise to yourself on their behalf, and move on. If you need to forgive them, go back to the compassion step and forgive them.

Next, ask what boundaries you want to put up around the extent to which they’re still in your life?

You might not want them to text you every day. Or you may not want to see their posts on social media anymore. You might prefer to cut them out of your life entirely. Whatever you decide is absolutely right for you and you don’t have to justify yourself.

You can wish them well and still unfriend them on Facebook. They’re not mutually exclusive acts!

9. Create the Future You Desire 

In step 7, we talked about the lack of self-belief that can cause depression. Sometimes that depression can actually be a lack of direction.

It can be hard to create the specifics of what your future could look like.

Focus on the feelings, rather than what it looks like, to make this easier. Everything we do in life comes from a decision that we make based on how we want to feel.

So ask yourself, what three things do you want to feel in the future? You might want to feel enlightened, energetic, and confident. Starting with these three words helps you carve out the future because now you have a guideline. If something won’t make you feel enlightened, energetic, and confident, then don’t do it.

We can get specific later on to find out what is aligned with creating these feelings.
 

10. Be Present and Grateful for the Now

Focusing too much on the past can cause feelings of depression. But focusing too much on the future can make us anxious. We’re worrying about something that hasn’t even happened yet. 

Anxiety can make us feel like we have a degree of control. But it can also prompt us to micromanage your life to try and avoid ‘the worst’, whatever the worst is for you.

It’s important to have a direction, but you don’t want to end up fearful or doubtful about it.

If you find yourself dwelling on the breakup, bring yourself to the present. What do you feel in your body right now? What sensations are going on? Any emotions happening right now? Bringing yourself to the present connects you to your body, which helps you make better decisions…which in itself is a great way to stave off anxiety.

And yes, you can be grateful for a breakup. It teaches you exactly what you want in a relationship, and what you don’t want. This is all valuable information to help you grow and to build a better life for yourself.

Think of it this way. Every time you exercise, you’re actually tearing your muscles. The process of repairing them helps them to grow. Short term discomfort leads to long term gain. You can approach breakups the same way. They’re an opportunity to grow as a person and end up in an even better place in future.

Start With Step 1 To Heal a Broken Heart

Like I said at the beginning, it doesn’t matter how long ago the breakup happened. You can always go back to Step 1 and start working through this process.

This will help you to begin healing, grow as a person, and put you on the right path to find the best relationship for you. 

And if there's something you've been struggling with about healing, then we have plenty of resources on our website. From video training to guides (including our Meet the One guide), you'll find lots of information over at www.lovewithintelligence.com.