We've talked before about how empaths end up with narcissists. But there's another personality type that's easy prey for a narcissist—the codependent. 

Some people describe codependents as putting others' needs before their own. That's not strictly true, because that makes it sound like they're some kind of selfless saint. Codependents do focus on meeting everyone else's needs...but not out of altruism.

Codependency is always a dysfunctional relationship. Much like a narcissistic relationship, it's incredibly one-sided. One partner does all the work in meeting their partner's needs. Why do they do this? And why does this make them easy prey for narcissists?

Let's look at what codependency is, why it's so dangerous around narcissists, and what you can do about it.

What is Codependency?

Codependency was originally coined as a term for partners of people with addictions. Now, the definition includes people who depend on others, usually emotionally and socially.

Codependents always have low self-esteem. True, they may project the image of someone who has everything together. But deep down, they think they're unlovable. They're more likely to sacrifice everything for their partner's needs. That’s because they're worried it's the only way they can keep their partner. They can obsess about 'mistakes' they've made, or take rejection and abandonment hard. Codependents can't feel good about themselves unless other people like them.

Codependency also manifests as people-pleasing. Codependents say yes, even when they want to say no. They think it's their only choice, that it's the only way people will like them. They often don't tell their partner what they actually need. Instead, they'll go along with things just to avoid upsetting someone else.

Poor boundaries are a side-effect of people-pleasing. Codependents can find it hard to set boundaries. Other people end up taking advantage of them. 

The lack of boundaries also means they take things personally even when they don't need to. Someone might say something negative in a general sense. The codependent can't recognise it as general due to the lack of boundaries, so they take it on as a personal slight.

Codependency and Control

So far, the codependent's people-pleasing and poor boundary-setting sounds like the empath. That's where the similarity ends. The empath can go above and beyond what's required of them because they want people to feel better. Unfortunately, codependency has a shadow side.

That is the need for control. When codependents can control or manipulate those around them, they feel safe. Or they may show a compulsive need to care for others. 

That might show up as a codependent enabling someone's self-destructive behaviour. They do this because it keeps the self-destructive person from improving themselves. If they improve their life, they might leave the codependent. 

These shadow tendencies actually make the codependent like the narcissist. Both of them are trying to use another person to shore up their self-esteem. And both of them rely on control and manipulation.

The motivations are different though. Codependents need to feel needed. Having someone depend on them for their help becomes a way to feel better. Narcissists need to feel important. They need to have someone around to make them feel better about themselves.

So Why Do Codependents Make Such Good Prey for Narcissists?

Both narcissists and codependents struggle with identity. The narcissist has a fragile ego. Their life's work is projecting their chosen identity to others. They remove anything that threatens this identity. By contrast, the codependent can have a poor sense of self thanks to their low self-esteem. That's why they're so preoccupied with how others think of them.

The initial 'love bombing' phase of the narcissist is what a codependent thrives on. It boosts their self-esteem—because they can't boost their self-esteem themselves. When narcissists lay it on thick, the codependent can feel good about themselves.

Trouble is, it can't last. At some point, the narcissist will switch into the abuse phase. And it thrives on the codependent's people-pleasing tendencies. The codependent will never say no, so the narcissist gets all of their needs met. In a perverse twist, the codependent gets to feel needed, so they get their needs met too.

But that doesn't make this a healthy pairing. The narcissist's snide remarks and gaslighting tendencies undermine the codependent's already poor self-esteem. This leads to more people-pleasing from means the codependent. Codependents fears abandonment, so they won't leave the relationship, even when it's painful.

None of this is to say the relationship being unhappy is the codependent's fault. It's still the narcissist carrying out the abuse. 72% of women in abusive relationships experience emotional abuse and there’s no way we should forgive the abuser.

What Can Codependents Do About Narcissistic Relationships?

Do you recognise yourself in the above paragraphs? Then you need to admit you have problems with codependency. Thankfully, you can improve your self-esteem and boundaries to leave codependency behind. This will improve your quality of life in all areas, so it's a worthwhile thing to do. 

Raising your self-esteem isn't easy—after all, if it was simple, you would have already done it! You might not know where to start. The huge range of books and courses about self-esteem make it seem overwhelming.

We'd recommend you work with a coach. They'll guide you through the process and provide the support you need. This keeps you on track so your self-esteem rises—and stays there. Do you want to heal from codependency and find a new, loving relationship? Sign up for our signature Finding Love program. You'll learn to understand yourself at the deepest level, and be better able to connect with the right partner for you.

In the meantime, you need to learn how to avoid narcissists

They will prey on you as an easy target, making your recovery from codependency so much harder. But how can you avoid them if you're not sure what they look like? Luckily, spotting narcissists is a skill set you can learn yourself. 

Sign up for our Identify and Disarm Narcissists program to get started. You'll learn key skills in spotting narcissists and turning them away in a safe way. Many articles discuss how to spot narcissists yet few of them talk about the latter part. Without these skills, a narcissist might see your attempts to walk away as an invitation to 'chase' you. You need to learn to send them on their way without causing yourself any harm. It's just as important as identifying them in the first place.

Whichever of our programs you choose (or do both!), we look forward to working with you!