How Most People Fall Into Narcissistic Relationships

The term ‘narcissist’ gets used a lot as more people notice narcissistic tendencies. Look at the celebrities and world leaders often described as narcissists.

The word ‘narcissist’ comes from the medical term for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is rare, and experts believe it affects less than 1% of the population.

But narcissism happens when people display narcissistic traits without having the full disorder. Both men and women can be narcissists, though it’s more often diagnosed in men.

It's awful to be on the receiving end of a narcissist's actions. So you may wonder how people end up in narcissistic relationships to start with.

This is not about victim-blaming. If you’ve ended you in a narcissistic relationship, it’s not because you’ve done anything wrong. Ultimately, you met someone and wanted to build a loving relationship with them. That’s commendable!

But there are some warning signs that people don’t always observe. Sometimes that’s because they didn’t know about them. Knowing about them, and having the right tactics, helps to deter narcissists.

Let’s look at how most people fall into narcissistic relationships and how you can avoid doing the same.

People Misinterpret Love Bombing as Love

Love bombing is a favoured tactic of narcissists. We’ve got an in-depth guide to love bombing so you know what it looks like, which you can read here.

The trouble is, people don't always recognise love bombing for what it is. They might even appreciate the intense attention, especially if they have low self-esteem. If a person has been single for a while, love bombing can feel too good to be true.

Hint: if something feels too good to be true, then it usually is.

But the narcissist says all the right things. Their victim gets swept along by the passion of it all. This makes it even more painful when the narcissist switches to cruelty.

How to Avoid This
First, working on your confidence is a great way to deter narcissists. Narcissists love people with low self-esteem or self-worth. These people are more susceptible to love bombing. Narcissists are also less attracted to confident people. That's because confident people don’t need a constant stream of praise and attention.

Second, just because a narcissist says all the right things doesn’t mean they mean them. So when you meet someone who either showers you with praise or always tells you how great they are? Don’t take them at their word. Examine what they do. Look at their actions. Focus on what their values are.

Actions speak louder than words. So if a person praises you, but is then severely critical of everyone else around them, be wary.

They May Have Experience with Narcissists

Someone who ends up in a relationship with a narcissist often has experience with them. They may not even realise it, because the narcissist may have been a parent.

When you have a narcissistic parent, you're more likely to seek a partner with similar traits. You may not even know you're doing it.

Remember, the brain looks for what is familiar, not what is best for you. Familiarity often means safety. If you survived the narcissistic parent, it assumes you'll survive the narcissistic partner.

But if you grew up in an environment where gaslighting or control was common? You grow up thinking this is normal behaviour. It isn’t.

How to Avoid This
Therapy might be helpful so that you can explore messages you’ve taken on through your childhood. Healing this past trauma stops you from seeking these relationships in the future.

Your narcissistic parent may have withheld love, giving you issues with self-love. Heal this would by building up your self-love, meeting your own needs and prioritising what brings you joy.

Also, learning how to recognise narcissists can help you ‌avoid them in the future. Our program, Identify & Disarm Narcissists, won’t only teach you how to spot a narcissist. It’ll also teach you how to send them on their way.

They’re People-Pleasers

Maybe you had an experience with a narcissist in your past. Perhaps you grew up in a toxic household. Either way, you may have turned to people-pleasing as a coping mechanism.

Pleasers love to work hard to keep everyone around them happy. It gives them a sense of control over an otherwise volatile environment. And if an abusive caregiver is happy, they’re not doling out abuse. You can also consider people-pleasing as ‌codependency.

Trouble is, as adults, pleasers give a lot, but don't ask for much‌ in return. This makes pleasers and codependents the ideal partner for a narcissist. The narcissist can rely on a steady supply of attention but doesn’t need to provide anything back. The pleaser will certainly say nothing, for fear of upsetting the person taking advantage of them.

How to Avoid This
Working to overcome any people-pleasing or codependent tendencies is a great way to move forwards. Once you stop endlessly giving with no requirement for anything in return, you become less attractive to narcissists.

Learn how to ask for your own needs to be met. I know it can feel scary if you’ve been used to someone blowing up if you ask for something, but remember this. Someone who has your best interests at heart wants to be guided in how best to support you. If you ask for a need to be met, and give an example of how the other person can do that, then they’re more likely to do it because you’ve made it easier to support you. But if that person still refuses to meet the need, then there’s a strong chance they don’t have your best interests at heart.

Do not allow yourself to be isolated. Pleasers and codependents are more likely to give up hobbies, friends, and even family members to keep a narcissist happy. This gives the narcissist more power over them because the victim loses their support network. Remember, someone who cares about you won’t try to isolate you from everyone you know.

They Have Poor Boundaries

Pleasers and codependents often have poor boundaries. They don’t like to say ‘no’ and upset the other person.

But empaths can often have terrible boundaries as well. Empaths are in tune with both their emotions and those of others. This means they love to help those around them. But they get so bound up in wanting to help the other person that they let the narcissist continually cross their boundaries. Psychology Today even referred to the narcissist as the empath’s "shadow self".

And make no mistake, narcissists will always cross your boundaries. That may mean taking up your time, asking intrusive questions, or even inviting themselves to use your belongings or home. Letting them do so is not an act of kindness on your part—it’s poor boundary setting.

How to Avoid This
Set boundaries around what you won't accept from other people. Remember, boundaries are inherently personal, and what makes one person uncomfortable might not bother someone else.

Examine what makes you uncomfortable, and set boundaries around those things. Maybe you don’t respond to texts or phone calls after 9 pm. Perhaps you won’t answer questions about sensitive topics. Maybe you limit the ‌time you’re available to help with an errand.

The only people who will ever be angry about you asserting a boundary are the people who benefit when you don’t have any. So, if someone keeps ignoring or pushing through your boundaries, then consider ending the relationship.

They Ignore Red Flags

Narcissists are incredibly sensitive to the way other people perceive them. Having a sense of status is essential to them. That means that a narcissist will often present themselves very well in public.

Trouble is, they can then often behave ‌badly towards their partners in private. This means their partners might assume they’re doing something wrong, rather than realising that this is a red flag.

If your partner swings between wild extremes depending on whether you’re in a group or alone, then that’s on them, not you.

How to Avoid This
The problem here is twofold. The person isn’t seeing the red flag. They’re blaming themselves instead. But it’s a difficult situation because the person’s friends may not be any help. They only see the positive aspects of the narcissist.

Therefore, it’s so important to take responsibility for this yourself. Learn how to recognise red flags. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts. Learning behavioural profiling techniques can also help you see what’s really going on. You won’t need to rely on what your friends think of the person, because you’ll be able to see what’s wrong in the relationship yourself.

How Do I Find a Healthy Relationship?

You can see how destructive narcissistic relationships are. But you want to find a healthy, loving relationship.

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to finding healthy relationships because we’re all different. Instead, you need a customised approach.

We’re offering your very own love report that is personalised to you and your dating situation. It’ll help you uncover your love goals, your biggest dating obstacles, and the next step you need to take to find love.

Answering the questions is the best three minutes you’ll spend on moving towards your love-filled future.