As humans, we will always have things we want. It might be an ideal job, a fitness goal, a dream holiday, or a 'perfect home'.

We can do as much as possible to work towards this. Sometimes, we'll get there, and it's as awesome as we hoped. Other times, we get in our way. We call this 'self-sabotage' because in this moment, we're our own worst enemy.

We self-sabotage thanks to biology. In short, our brain can't always tell the difference between its 'feel-good' signals. We get one signal for working towards a goal, and a different signal when we avoid a threat. The brain is designed to respond to these 'good' signals, so we can end up responding to the wrong ones.

It’s an easy trap to fall into when you’re dating. If you secretly believe that relationships lead to pain, or you’ve only ever had hurtful breakups, your brain will look for ways to keep you safe. In this case, that means keeping you out of relationships—both good and bad. That means you’ll keep sabotaging your own efforts but you’ll feel good about avoiding danger.

Thankfully, there are signs that you’re self-sabotaging in dating. Here are five of them to look out for.

1) Dating the Wrong People

It’s easy to end up with a picture of who you think you should date in your mind. Maybe your friends tell you who they see you with. Or your parents have an ideal partner in mind for you. Over time, we absorb other people’s stories as our own.

But this also becomes a form of self-sabotage. We end up dating people who aren’t right for us and then we wonder why it’s not working. We think there’s something wrong with us (there isn’t) or we’re doomed to eternal singledom (you’re not). Picking these wrong people keeps confirming our belief that relationships end in hurt. Every time it ends, we have that “I knew it” moment.

You’ll know if this is a problem for you because you find yourself dating a ‘type’. You might even know that this type is no good for you—but you date them anyway. Or you might find the people you date have something in common. Perhaps they have similar jobs, interests, or values. While they might be a good fit for someone else, they’re not a good fit for you.

You need to change the way you pick people, my friend. And that starts with knowing what kind of partner you want. Check out our guide to making an ideal partner profile.

2) Looking at People Who You've Friend-Zoned

We need to clear up a bit of a misconception about the ‘friend zone’. It’s a horrible term that really needs putting to bed. If you’re unfamiliar with it, you might end up ‘in the friend zone’ if someone likes you as a person, but has no romantic interest in you.

Why is it problematic? It implies wanting to be friends isn’t a good enough option. It also implies that the person has an obligation to whoever they’ve put in the friend zone. Just because someone has a romantic interest in you doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate. It’s based on a sense of entitlement that can lead to all manner of toxic behaviours.

So when we say ‘friend zone’, we mean those people you’ve dated and liked, but preferred as friends than partners. Trouble is, a dating dry spell might tempt you to re-evaluate those people as potential dates. It’s easy to settle for ‘good company’ or ‘funny’ when that’s all that’s on offer. You might even convince yourself you were too harsh to start with and should give them another go. 

But you’re sabotaging yourself if you try to start anything with these new friends. It’s unfair on them to get their hopes up. And it’s also wasting your time, which you could be spending with someone else. If the chemistry wasn’t there the first time, it won’t be there this time.

3) Going on Dates You Know Will Be a Disaster

We’ve probably all done this at some point. It’s particularly common during a dry spell. Yet we’ve been chatting to someone, we plan a date, yet we know it’s going to be a total disaster. Why do we still go? So we can say "well at least I put myself out there".

Why are you wasting your time on someone you know isn’t a good fit for you? After all, you’re also wasting their time, which isn’t fair.

There are two main reasons why we do this. The first is that some coaches actually recommend it. They take the attitude that you never know who you might meet through the date. That’s true, but again, it’s unfair on the person you’re on a date with. You can’t use people in the hope you’ll fall for their flatmate/colleague/sibling.

The second is that when dating feels hard, going on any date, even a terrible one, feels like progress. Except it’s the opposite of progress. A bad date knocks your confidence and shakes your faith that you can meet the right one. You’ll feel resentful at wasting your time.

Why is it a form of self-sabotage? Because you’ll get de-moralised and might even give up on dating altogether. You might also miss the chance to meet the right one if you’re wasting time on people you know aren’t a good fit.

4) Dating Straight After a Break-Up

We’ve talked before about the importance of healing after a break-up. Remember, if you’ve never done any healing work before, each break-up is even more of an issue. It brings back the trauma from previous break-ups. You’re not just getting over one break-up, you’re trying to get over all of them.

If you have done healing work before, then you’ll know how important the healing process is after a break-up. It’s the space in which you find yourself again and put the trauma to rest.

Most people try to date straight after a break-up because they want an ego boost. This means they don’t see whoever they date as a whole human being. They see them as a supply of reassurance that they’re still attractive and worthy of a relationship. After a while, the person realises this new partner isn’t right for them. That's because they didn’t evaluate them to start with. Then the whole cycle begins again.

Other people date straight after a break-up because they can’t bear the thought of being single. This says a lot about the stories they tell themselves about single life. They might think it shows them up as a failure. Or they might have no idea how to live their life without having someone else in it.

Whatever the reason, you’re sabotaging yourself every time you jump back into dating after a break-up.

5) Dating Without Knowing What You Actually Want 

This last sign is incredibly common. It relates to the fact many people don’t actually know what they want. Do you want to get married and have kids? Have a committed relationship but there’s no urgency for wedding bells? Date casually to get to know new people?

Instead, you start dating around in the hope that it’ll all work out for the best. Trouble is, this leads to compatibility issues with others. If you want to casually date but your new partner wants marriage, then it’s never going to work. And if you want a committed relationship and they don’t? You’re in for heartbreak if you decide to hang around in case they change their mind.

Knowing what you want helps you to narrow your focus to those people who want the same things in life as you. This means you’re more likely to meet someone compatible and start building that life with the right person.

How to Break Free from Self-Sabotaging in Dating

We’ve gone through the signs of self-sabotage...but what can you do about it? Awareness is part of the solution since you can only fix things once you’re aware of them.

From there, it’s important to develop a strong sense of what you want in a relationship. Who do you want to be with? How do you want the relationship to look? Know what your standards are and refuse to settle for anything less. Once you’ve healed from your past break-ups, you’ll be able to enter a healthy relationship with your newfound understanding!

Are you ready to stop the self-sabotage and find the right one for you? Claim your spot at our exclusive webinar, The FIVE Secrets To Attract A High Quality Partner For A Loving & Lasting Relationship.